Christopher Pratt (cpratt) wrote,
Christopher Pratt

How I hate Whole Foods

After eating delicious 18 Rabbits granola in the Bay Area last week, I felt compelled to go buy some. Of course, given that this is a hopelessly twee, handmade-in-San-Francisco product, doing so necessitated a trip to Whole Foods, the only place in San Diego that appears to carry their granola.

Damn, I hate Whole Foods. From the moment I walk in that store, I can feel my blood pressure rising by the minute. Just getting in the front door was a challenge: a Kaballah wristband-wearing stroller mom was blocking the door because she didn't feel like just opening the damn door was within her powers of mommyhood: instead, she had to keep mashing the HANDICAPPED USE ONLY button in hopes of opening the door (which it did, but the door to her right, not her left). Ugh. Of course, this store has the narrowest aisles this side of Trader Joe's, so getting anywhere is a huge fucking hassle: every aisle is blocked by the worst kind of Rudolf Steiner-loving, homeopathy-insistent, toxin-fearing insane people slash NPR listening public imaginable. There's just something about Whole Foods that brings out special, entitled, totally fucking batshit insane crazy people who are there to find that organic flaxseed hemp deodorant pill that they read about at their vegan country club's Wiccan macramé retreat up in the Cuyamacas last weekend.

Anyhow, I found my damn granola - there was one bag left, hidden in the back behind Amaranth, The Wonder Grain Of The Inka brand quinoa aubergine granola - but then I was stuck because I was going to use a $25 rebate card and needed to find another $9 worth of stuff to buy. Milk was obvious, but of course it took forever to find the bottles of milk that hadn't already expired, were pasteurized, and weren't insanely expensive due to being organic. Dirty looks from your fellow shoppers for buying OMG industrially produced toxic swill were thankfully gratis, which left me wondering what to do for another seven bucks? I inched my way through the wine section - do you really need to spend twenty bucks on organic ciliegiolo? no? I didn't think so either - past the St Patrick's Day beer selection (Guinness on sale for $7.99 - that's only a 60% markup over the same damn beer they're selling at fresh&easy) - and found some prepackaged sandwiches that looked OK for $3.65 each.

I do love BLTs. However, it would appear that Whole Foods are ignorant when it comes to the ingredients of a BLT, which I can totally understand: after all, it is an acronym, and it's easy to forget what BLT stands for. In case you yourself have forgotten, a BLT is a Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich. To make it extra delicious, you can even add some mayonnaise.

Here is my Whole Foods BLT as splayed out on my desk at work:


Note the ingredients:
  • Bacon
  • Lettuce
  • Stale white bread

At least they threw in a tiny packet of Heinz mustard to make up for the TOTAL FUCKING LACK OF TOMATO. It's just like yellow mayonnaise, right?

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