Christopher Pratt (cpratt) wrote,
Christopher Pratt
cpratt

The problem seems to be

that I'd prefer to settle down with one man and cut myself off from most of the world, especially the social aspects that appear (correctly or not) to largely revolve around meeting other men for sex (such as gay bars, saunas, etc.).

Dan, on the other hand, cannot be happy without those social venues, because he feels the need to be a part of a group. He can't settle down and cut himself off from that aspect of society because it'd be denying part of his basic workup. Going out is important for him because it helps him feel like he's part of an accepting, welcoming group. I, on the other hand, don't feel that need and am in fact deeply sceptical of the whole bear culture (or what have you).

So, Dan isn't happy at home unless he goes out, and when I go out with Dan, I am deeply frustrated because, to be frank, I'm more attracted to other men, sexually speaking. When we're out together, Dan feels fine, but I feel uncomfortable and frustrated because I think, correctly or not, that I might meet someone that I'm more physically attracted to and who would be of a similar mind, settling-down wise.

This is what happened in September at the Lone Star, and this is why I've been in kind of a mood ever since. I met someone who, for the first time, I felt like I could settle down with, and who would be equally happy with that kind of arrangement. And ever since then, I've been especially unhappy with the state of things, and that's what's led to my not feeling so great in recent weeks.

Basically, it all sucks and it's difficult for me because I love Dan, and I feel that this is unfair to him (which it most likely is), and yet at the same time I want more happiness in my own life, and less spending my efforts making sure that others are doing okay. I suppose that's just being greedy on my part but the selflessness is getting to me, and I don't feel satisfied.
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