We've decided to do it in Vancouver, and not San Francisco. Why? The big reason is that same-sex marriage is actually legal in Vancouver - unlike San Francisco. It also helps that I can get to British Columbia in two and a half hours; it's longer and more expensive to get back to California. Besides, I'm vaguely afraid that California will then decide I'm a resident, which would suck, tax-wise.
We've also decided to shift the burden of proof, as it were. Once we are married, we'll just present ourselves as married, like any other couple that happens to have been married in BC. If someone chooses to dispute that, well, it'll be up to them to bring that up, and it will be their decision to deny us whatever benefits and protection we deserve. I'm not really sure how to play this out... do we file a joint tax return for FY2004? Still, it's worth taking a stand. The more I think about all of the rights that come with marriage - for example, I really don't like the idea of my Social Security benefits just disappearing into thin air were I to die - the more important I feel it is to stand up for my rights as an American citizen.
As Dan rightly points out, this does feel like coming out all over again: it's not always easy to clearly, honestly, and openly demand equality. But it's the moral thing to do.
Info on the upcoming reception/house party to follow. I'm thinking late April 2004.