October 6th, 2002


That's odd.

The Gaping Maw has a reference to bears qua bearded gay men in their most recent instalment. Scroll down to the bottom of the page. Note the bad Photoshop rifle insertion.

NB: The Gaping Maw is associated with Rotten.com; as such, it is of questionable taste and will likely upset or offend many readers. If you'd like to get a feel for the site with a little bit less disgusto-factor, click here.

The fear.

Late last night, I found myself briefly gripped by The Fear. You know, the nameless dread that shows up every once in a while. This time, it was telling me that I'd better get home quickly, stop spending money, find a job, and work on paying off the mortgage. I think reading The Economist had a lot to do with it; it sounds like the world economy is heading into the toilet in a possibly even more frightening way that it has been for the past two years. And, I'll admit, there have been a lot more scary random events recently, from anthrax mailings to sniper fire. I can't remember a point in my life where the probably of a random death has seemed so high - especially because I've already lost two of my friends in the past several years, both due to highly unlikely random events. Eek. Do you use this an excuse to live as much as you possibly can while there's still time, or do you double up on your financial prudence, trying as much as possible to avoid any as yet unmaterialized catastrophes? I've tried to cut a middle path, but sometimes I wonder if I've gone too far in the direction of Fun and not Care.

So, yeah. I'm not surprised I'm starting to feel a very low level of creeping panic, but at the same time I'm still fairly certain that I'll be employed again shortly, if at a lower salary; at least (for now) I'll be able to live well due to excellent friends and stockpiled purchases (wine, home electronics), even if my salary only just covers the mortgage and a little bit extra for pleasures. What I'm truly secretly scared of is a bigger, more financially threatening unnamed Etwas that may be out there somewhere - I've only got one hundred and thirty more mortgage payments to go, but getting in a situation where I can't make a payment is probably the greatest fear of my life, come to think of it. That and finding myself waking up next to Dave Gahan in a seedy motel room in El Paso, but I'll never admit to that one publicly.