One of the problems with growing a beard is the reduced efficacy of the infamous "beating off" noise most people know how to make by grabbing part of their cheek and slapping it back and forth. You know, that babbity babbity noise that either offends the other kids on the playground or gets those same kids laughing at the reunion twenty years later. I like my beard very much, but I'm telling you: the wobblepuckery noise just ain't the same as it used to be. When I try to do it now, it mostly sounds like the "beating off" noise you may have heard from an overly drunk college roommate who's just snuck in after failing to Get Some, and who's under the very mistaken impression that you're fast asleep. You know, that sad little whackspankery that you just know isn't going to end in the usual shy grasp for the dirty socks, but which will wind up in turning over against the cold dorm concrete wall and wondering why s/he just didn't want to be with you tonight.
You know, it's probably the pond water pumping over at a different level after the rains. Never mind.
